Squidward's Sickness
Sup boys the name's Richard. Richard Fatchurd. As my name implies I am very fat, but I do not give a fuck. I look as good today as I did 20 years ago. Anyways, despite being in my early thirties, I am still in school thanks to my grandpa forcing me to attend. You see my grandpa wanted me join him in the family business of jams and jelly. He claimed that I could only achieve this dream by graduating from high school. That sure makes no sense doesn't it? Outside of school, I work as a world famous lost media inspector having been hired by General Asquith to investigate into the LA Noire bootleg scandal a few months back. I had succeeded in connecting the scandal to Prime Minister Rabe Maniels though Asquith and the DA refused to believe it. Asquith did seem interested in pursing Maniels about my claims, but was stopped in his efforts by his superiors over in Washington. My skills would eventually be called upon again when a new lost episode hit the streets. It had been supplied to a fat fucking seal named Slimy Sausage. Sounds a little Ironic coming from me doesn't it reader? Whatever, Slimy had been given the episode by local criminal Vladimir Papkov. Papkov is one of the most dangerous and feared men in London's vast criminal underworld. He serves as a caporegime for Granny Dryden's Gang, and also does work with another criminal organisation as their debt collector. Papkov was a horrid man with a smelly temper. He was incredibly smelly as well stinking of piss filled urinals you'd find in Shrek's swamp while he makes you smelly onions laced with wimp rat juice. Something which got Jacksepticeye drunk many moons ago when there was a cat and another cat. I'm getting off track I apolisge for that. Anyways Mr Sausage complained to Maniels about the episode, and on Asquith's suggestion has requested for my assistance in the matter. Sausage claims that the episode had Squidward doing smelly things, weird product placements for products that didn't even fucking exist, and an appearance from Glancy Drown. Drown was another senior member of Dryden's gang though secretly he was an informant for the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI). On one quiet Saturday morning, I sat on my front porch drinking from a mug of steaming hot poo. Yes I drink shit because I'm quite a fat bastard if you couldn't already tell. I sat on my porch waiting to be picked up by my escort who would be taking me to 10 Downing Street. My PA Neddie would be accompanying him as well as protection. Neddie appeared behind me screaming, "WRECK IT RALPH!" I proceeded to slap him in the face 60 times with my humongous belly. "I'm like really scared of air conditioners, but what do you think of them?" Neddie asked curiously. I sighed heavily for two hours straight before saying, "Neddie stop asking such stupid questions, and do your job alright?" I For those of you wondering who Neddie is. He is my personal assistant, and is very insane from a possible addiction to chewits like some kind of Winston Chu. Neddie also loves Rarity a fictional character from the popular show MLP. Something which Gaston would sneer at since Rarity once conned him out of $80,000,000. Neddie was meant to be driving me today, but was unable to do after his car got impounded by a dopey dog named Moofy and his son Wax. Get it? A black car eventually pulled up on the pavement, and me and Neddie soon got in. Once we were in, the driver began to drive down the busy streets of Bristol towards 10 Downing Street. The driver was Mr Carson Clay s former LA movie producer turned undercover lover for the local reverend Father Cheesit. During the ride, Carson kept going on and on about a new movie he was planning on making starring Mr Bean as an undercover agent for the Atlanta Corporation. Clay also kept eating wedding rings he had gotten from a shop nearby as he had a serious problem. That's not even a joke dear reader so stop laughing, and get Doctor Phil down here pronto! Upon arriving at 10 Downing Street, I made my car break downs whilst getting out thanks to my weight. I made my way inside the main lobby being let in by the doorman who looked a lot like Tim Curry, and smelled like a chicken tikka masala. Me and Neddie were escorted through Downing Street by Maniels' PA Dermot. "So what's this all about lads?" Dermot asked me, and I replied with, "Mr Maniels sent me. He was concerned that the recent lost episode has connections to the LA Noire scandal from a few months back." Meanwhile, Neddie kept staring at Dermot's arse because he really needed to take a shit. We eventually reached the outside lobby in front of the Prime Minister's office in the top floor of the building. Also I had began eating a huge buffet which Maniels had laid out for us as a reward for coming so soon. I ate all the food, and those dickheads Dermot and Neddie didn't get any? Why? Well as I said before dear reader I am one fat son of a gun. We also met Margret Blaine a senior member of MI5 who would be watching the episode with us in order to conduct her own opinion on the matter. Maniels was not present as Dermot claimed he was busy attending a conference in Birmingham with business partners of his. Dermot then left the scene as Blaine proceeded to escort us into the Prime Minister's office where she began setting up the DVD for us to watch. I looked the DVD over, and saw that it was a SpongeBob DVD. The cover showed Squidward's handsome form eating krabby patties while Mr Krabs and SpongeBob looked on confused in the background. However, Mr Krabs didn't look like Mr Krabs at all instead he looked like Glancy Drown dressed in a badly made Halloween costume of the character. The back of the case showed a picture of Fred Flintstone dressed in a drag queen outfit. Blaine meanwhile had finally finished up setting the DVD up on her laptop as some commercials began to play. There were extremely weird to say the very least. One commercial had Homer Simpson making out with a steak calling it his home boy, another one showed Mr Burns and Smithers washing a manatee while really smelly music played in the background, and another one showed an incredibly nervous man begin interviewed about Scottish brand pulled pork. The interview was three hours long as it took the man life a half a century to even say one word. Whatever, the main menu finally appeared. It was just a generic picture of SpongeBob and Squidward if you were wondering. There were over 9000 options, and I clicked play episode while licking the laptop for an extremely uncomfortable amount of time. Neddie meanwhile had began to take a shit in a trash can being unable to hold it in any longer. I had spiked his ice tea with laxatives before we left that morning. Ooh I'm so evil! Ooh despicable me. The theme song started, and was really weird, First of the intro was all about Squidward with SpongeBob not being shown at all. It was very similar to that scene from "Truth or Square," where it showed various parodies of the show's intro. The title card appeared, and it read, "Squidward's Sickness." The title card had a picture of Squidward in his bedroom eating his tentacles with the King of Hyrule looking through his bedroom window. The episode began with Squidward being miserable at the Krusty Krab. Suddenly some chick came in who had huge breasts, and Squidward tried to flirt with her only to get a massive slap in the face from her purse. "Oh if only I was handsome again." Squidward said before sighing heavily. "Do you want to be a snowman?" A voice asked as Plankton appeared on the scene covered in dog poop. "Can you make me handsome Plankton?" Squidward asked confused. "Of course I can!" Plankton exclaimed happily as the old plank had a real hard on for that squid. Aside from Squidward being uncharacteristically nice to Plankton I saw nothing wrong with this episode that was of course until Mr Krabs arrived on the scene. Well for starters it wasn't even Mr Krabs it was just Glancy Drown dressed up in a really horrible Halloween costume. Sometimes the screen would change, and have Glancy shown out of the costume. "Mr Squidward!" Glancy yelled before continuing with, "what are you doing conversing with Plankton!?" Squidward explained his situation to Mr Krabs who then proceeded to tell him that Plankton was only using for him for another cheap attempt at getting the secret krabby patty formula. Also SpongeBob was for some reason no where to be seen during this exchange despite it taking place in the Krusty Krab. Plankton was then rudely thrown out of the restaurant by Mr Krabs, and he then yelled at Squidward to get back to work. That evening, Squidward began leaving the Krusty Krab, but instead of going straight home as he normally would. He instead made his way towards the Chum Bucket. At the Chum Bucket, Squidward asked, "so can you really make me handsome Plankton?" "Yeah sure I can, but can I ask why you want this so much?" Plankton asked genuinely curious. Squidward proceeded to explain that he had been depressed about his lack of a love life since his break up from Squilvia who had broken up with Squidward due to him insulting her doctor who was very rude towards the vegetable man. Plankton had Squidward get into a machine called the Handsome Squid O Nator 69: Gru's Erect Nose Covered In Peter Griffin's Bleaches. Really awesome name I know. Also while Squidward was in the machine Plankton pulled a really cheesy face. The kind you'd pull after smelling that cheesy cheese cracker you left under the fridge for six years following that family outing with that pesky Mr Lambert. A time card came up on screen saying, "three hours later," Only it wasn't narrated by the usual French Narrator instead he sounded like Rabe Maniels. I couldn't be sure however after all I was very hungry as I had only eaten over 9000 pieces of toast for breakfast that morning like with eighty bowls of cereal, and sixty thousand fry ups. A very small breakfast I know. I'm on a diet if you couldn't tell. After the time card, Squidward was seen emerging from the machine in his super handsome form from the episode, "The Two Faces of Squidward." Plankton gave Squidward a mirror, and the latter began admiring his face before Plankton cleared his throat very loudly I might add. it was so loud that it actually caused Neddie's ears to start bleeding. Poor old Neddie! Actually no fuck Neddie. "Now about my side of the deal?" Plankton asked to which Squidward replied with, "what?" Plankton sighed before saying, "well since I got you handsome again I wanted the krabby patty formula as payment for my services." Squidward then smiled a sinister squidy smile before saying, "I got something better for you Plankton." Also Squidward no longer sounded like well Squidward anymore instead he sounded like Patrick Stewart. "Really? And what's that?" Plankton asked before Squidward proceeded to shove him up his arse. Nope not even joking! He legit shoved Plankton up his rectum! The following day, Squidward was shown going around Bikini Bottom flirting with chicks who were all real life people not cartoons. He even flirted with Mr Krabs who said, "holy ducking shit I wanna plow that squid!" Squidward then met up with SpongeBob and Saucy Pat whom both gaped in awe at his handsome appearance. "But Squidward I thought you hated being handsome." SpongeBob said to which Squidward replied with, "well SpongeBob the Xbox has always been my choice for a video game console." Completely ignoring SpongeBob's question in the process. A time montage then showed Squidward's new life as a handsome octopus. He spent the next week having several one night stands, nights out on the town, and even went a party hosted by SpongeBob at his pineapple house. A week had now gone by, and Squidward was shown waking up from his slumber only to find that his face had returned to normal, and that he no longer sounded like Patrick Stewart. "What's happened?" Squidward asked whilst looking himself over in the bathroom mirror. Plankton who was still somehow alive despite now living in Squidward's rectum said, "if you've hadn't shoved me up your arse. I would have told you that the machine's effects only last for one week at a time." "So what you're saying is I can only be handsome Squidward for one week?" Squidward asked. Before Plankton could even answer that question with a response, Squidward had already made his way back to the Chum Bucket. He stepped into the machine, and this time became his first handsome form. He had also extended the time of the machine's effects waring off from one week to one month. How Squidward was able to know how to operate the machine despite Plankton not telling him is anyone's guess really. Squidward left the Chum Bucket only to get intercepted by Squaliam Fancyson, and his gang of smelly junkyard dogs. "Well Squidy I guess the rumours are true. You really have become handsome." Squaliam said while squeezing Squidward's face. "So since you're handsome now wanna come back to my house, and watch Rick Harrison's new show Seal Dealers?" Squaliam asked, and Squidward agreed happily. He got into Squaliam private limo, and was taken to his mansion where they proceeded to play with Star Wars lego. One month later we see that Squidward and Squaliam have become quite good friends in spite of their previous rivalry. Squaliam also proposed to Squidward because he had finally found someone who loved him for who he was, and not for his money. Squidward happily agrees, but during their picnic the machine's effects once again begin to ware off. Squidward is able to escape Squaliam by claiming to have a doctor's appointment. Squidward returned to the Chum Bucket, and used the handsome machine once again. The rest of the episode continued like this with Squidward going back and forth from the chum bucket each time a new month went by. Soon years began to pass with Squidward and Squaliam getting married, and moving to a small cottage just north of Bikini Bottom. Squidward's handsome looks got him job offers in the movie industry, and he became a world famous actor even getting knighted by King Neptune himself. Squidward and Squaliam even had two beautiful kids using Sandy as a surrogate mother. Despite all of his success, Squidward began to go through an existential crisis. He missed his old way of life as a cashier at the Krusty Krab, and because of his all job offers he no longer had time to pursue his passion for music. He had also began dealing with guilt from murdering Plankton who had given him this new amazing life. Squidward could never reveal his secret to anyone. Every month, Squidward go back to Bikini Bottom on 'business trips,' where he would once again use the machine on himself. As more and more years passed no one remember the old Squidward, and neither did Squidward himself. He had become the very thing he always wanted, but now he despised it. Maybe one day his secret would be revealed, but until then he was doomed to live his life as the most handsome person in Bikini Bottom. The episode then proceeded to end with the normal credits. I have to admit this episode wasn't nearly as bad as Mr Sausage made it out to be. I found it be both silly and weird whilst also having a really dark and depressing undertone. "So what do you think?" Blaine asked, and I replied with, "well it doesn't really seem to have any connections to the LA Noire scandal. Looks like Rabe Maniels was wrong. This was beautiful." "That is exactly what I wanted to hear." A voice said as the man himself Rabe Maniels appeared in the doorway with Dermot standing by his side like a loyal little solider. "So Fatchurd" Rabe said before continuing with, "I see that you and your assistant enjoyed my episode." "You made this Rabe?" I asked, and Maniels replied with, "sure did. It's one of my more calmer projects. I wanted to see if me and my Syndicate could handle a serious subject matter for a change." "So you were behind the LA Noire bootleg." I said coldly. Maniels laughed heavily before saying, "of course I was! That asshole Asquith nearly caught me as well." Rabe then looked at me with a sinister glare before saying, "as glad as I am that you enjoyed it. I'm afraid dear Fatchurd it's time to die." Rabe then looked over at Blaine, and said, "Blon get out of your suit. "Yes Mr Maniels." Blaine said getting up from her chair letting out a massive fart as she did so. It smelt like a smelly smell you'd smell in Smelly Smells Town. Blaine then began to unzip her forehead as another man entered the room it was none other than Frank Barlow: deputy secretary for the Welsh Parliament. "trying to have all the fun without me are you Blon?" Barlow asked as he too began to unzip his forehead. Then Greg Blakeman headteacher of my high School entered the room, and began to follow suit. The trio of Blaine, Barlow, and Blakeman removed their skin, and revealed themselves to be Slitheen in disguise. "And now we end this conversation with a slaughter." Blakeman said as he began to make his way towards us. "Not today!" Matthew Williams called out as he came in dancing like Michael Jackson to a Lionel Richie song. Blakeman and his cohorts were so amazed by Williams' dancing skills that me and Neddie were able to escape. "After them!" Rabe yelled as his Slitheen henchmen did as they were told, and pursued us through Downing Street. We alongside Williams were corned in a small backroom by the Slitheen trio. "Where is The Shadow Reader?" Blakeman asked in an impatient tone. "Better than that. What the heck did you do to Blakeman, Blaine, and Barlow?" I asked confused. "I got an even better question." Matthew chimed up before continuing with, "who exactly are the Slitheen race?" Barlow laughed heavily before asking, "the Slitheen race?" Blakeman began speaking again, "Slitheen is not our species. Slitheen is our surname. Jocrassa Fel-Fotch Passameer Day Slitheen at your service! These are my siblings Blon and Flex respectively." "So you're a family?" Matthew asked, and Blakeman replied with, "it's the family business!" "So how did you get involved with Rabe Maniels and his Syndicate then? What would the Slitheen benefit exactly from that kind of association?" Matthew asked, but by then the Slitheen had gotten impatient with all his questions. The Slitheen began walking towards us with Barlow saying, "enough questions. Time to end this charade by killing you three!" "Not this time asshole!" Matthew proclaimed as he jumped out of the window with Neddie following closely behind him, but because I was so fat I was unable to escape that way. Thus I used my belly to push past the Slitheen, and ran outside the front door. Me and Neddie were escorted through Downing Street by Williams towards a black car which his friend Lazarus Marmite was driving. We began to drive towards the Yorkshire Hills. At the Hills, we entered a large house on a hill where when the sun hits it just right it sings. Get it? You Patcha fan boy you! Me and Neddie were brought into a small office where someone known as The Shadow Reader was waiting to speak to us. He asked us about what we had seen on the DVD, the Slitheen Family's antics, and if Rabe Maniels was once again connected in some way. "It's always Rabe." Shadow said before continuing, "they're used to be some point to lost episodes back when I used to write stories. Now Rabe's the only one making them. We've got to put an end to him once and for all." Shadow then rudely dismissed me and Neddie from his office telling me to go for a jog or something like that. I proceeded to eat out his entire fridge which contained a twenty million year supply of food therefore forcing BC Network and Tyler Jamison to go into town for some more food. Before heading to the fridge however, I heard Shadow say to Matthew, "send Luca Brasi to see me." It was time for the odds to be put in our favour. Category:Bruno Tattagllia